Following Florida’s decision to release new standards for teaching African American history in schools, The Onion examines the biggest benefits slaves got from slavery.
Biggest Benefits Slaves Got From Slavery
‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’
A whole book written about them! Wow!
Learned A Valuable Lesson About Trusting White People
Sometimes education is painful, but ultimately we’re all the better for it.
Hard Work Is Its Own Reward
No amount of personal freedom beats knowing that you did your best.
Fair Reparations
What? Not yet? Jesus Christ.
Descendants Got To Use The Shazam App
Although it wasn’t available for several hundred years, the descendants of Black slaves in the Americas now get the privilege of using this app to identify songs in bars and cafés.
Sex With Thomas Jefferson
From a young age, enslaved woman Sally Hemmings got the enviable privilege of coerced intercourse with one of America’s Founding Fathers.
Harriet Tubman On The $20 Bill
Any day now, probably.
Accurate Description In Some History Books
What better boon for being forced to work than to have their struggles accurately chronicled on some occasions.
Legacy Admissions For Their Children Into Slavery
Slaves born to slaves were automatically given a huge leg up when it came time to enter into perpetual forced labor.
Slave Trivia Night
The majority of plantations held a trivia night once a week that included free beer and hot dogs.
White People Last Names
Throughout the 400 years of the transatlantic slave trade, Africans got to exchange their traditional tribal names and heritage for fun white people surnames.
Eight-Figure Salary
Most Americans are unaware that being a slave was one of the highest-paying jobs in U.S. history.
Freedom From Overbearing Parents
Being sold off to a different plantation hundreds of miles away was a great way for slaves to get pesky Mom and Dad off their backs.
Intoxicating Sense Of Danger
From the potential of being killed for trying to escape to being assaulted at any moment by an angry master, slaves got to experience that incredible rush from living life on the edge.
Free Supervision
Whether sleeping, eating, working, or talking to one another, slaves were given a network of overseers to make sure they were regularly whipped and didn’t escape.
Didn’t Have To Endure The Jim Crow Era
A nightmarish period of violence for Black people that the vast majority of slaves were able to avoid.
Unlimited Access To Cotton
While they were enslaved, slaves were provided exclusive access to some of the biggest cotton fields in the United States.
Getting To Learn How Much You Cost
Most people have no idea how much they would cost if they were sold at a human market, but slaves were lucky enough to get the opportunity to know exactly where they stood.
Never, Ever Having To Go To School
While so many people get bogged down in the complicated and expensive American school system, slaves got the opportunity to start on their dream job from day one.
Free Tirades Delivered By Some Of The Most Powerful Slave Owners In America
Slaves were fortunate enough to get a front row seat to see some of the most powerful and influential businessmen in America while getting beaten and whipped during their violent diatribes.
Got To Make Rich People Richer
A luxury that billions of people still enjoy to this day.
All The Suffering They Could Ever Ask For
Slaves received unlimited suffering at no extra charge.